mixed blood identity and agency

Well, Betty Jo, I don't have the answer either -- where the energy comes from. Why Karen and I can do all of the things we do. I've finally decided it is either a miracle or a touch of mental illness. I can't speak for sister Karen, only myself, but, in these later years of life, I've always had an image of a ladder in front of me and I want to see how many rungs I can climb. Hearing the word, "No," or being told "You can't do that, " or "Why are you doing that?" "You're too old to do that," is just like waving a red flag in front of me. It is a "Go" signal.

Often, the picture of Elmer, the bull, in the backyard hollow, getting a look at the red gown mother had penned to the clothes line comes to mind. As the family story goes, when he got that good look and with whatever his purpose in mind, he bore down, went on the attack and got his mission accomplished. I always think of Elmer, by the sight of the red gown, was told "No." And, he would have none of it. He was just climbing another rung of his ladder.

It is rare a book disappoints me. However, I found this to be the case when reading Daniel Levinson's, The Seasons of a Woman's Life. The life stages of development he discusses in the book, I've been through. I want a model - a blueprint for what comes next in the here and now. Turning to life past sixty years of age, the what to do and how it's going to be is missing in The Seasons. I'm in brand new territory, forming my own new identities. The process has not been without problems.

First it was "the runner." Then along came the "grad student." How many time have I heard from men and women I've known for years -- "How are your knees holding up?" "What do you do that for?" "It's not good for people to run so far at your age!" I had pictures of myself being the lone lobster in the barrel trying to crawl out and the other lobsters reaching up to pull me back in. No encouragement. Only negativism. generally, I could flip my thoughts into a positive frame. But, occasionally, lack of support just gets you down. Doubt creeps in.

I climbed the ladder of age-group running. First 3.2 miles. Then 6.2 miles. Then the half-marathon. Finally, the scariest of all, the full marathon. So far, I've completed five. In the over all scheme of a runner's life, that's not that many, but, oh my goodness, the number of rungs I've climbed up my ladder have been so rewarding. I didn't read a thing about this in the book. It was just something I wanted to see if I could do. But, why aren't people more encouraging? What do they consider "climbing up the ladder" of life, instead of crawling back down such strange behavior.

It is not as if I were "Little Miss Goodie Two Shoes." I smoke and run. I've dragged myself out of bed of early mornings to run after one too many glasses wine the night before. There was no shining halo over my head the last time I looked in a mirror. Maybe these are all addiction behaviors. Maybe they are methods of trying to sneak around corners to hide from death. Personally, I don't think so. It's just a drive to see what's out there inside the self. What more can I do? How many more's can I be? Whenever I look up, I see more rungs. What do they hold? It is a mystery.

Being a late-age graduate student is a whole other story. While the people in my age group are still in a discouraging mode adding, "Why are you doing that?" "Your wasting your time?" "Nobody is ever going to hire you at your age."

Surprisingly, I have found a common characteristic between "the runner" and the "grad student." The younger agers seem to show admiration and respect. Initially, I can see the questions in their eyes. But, given my persistence, their silent questioning turns to invitations. My running partners are younger than my children. My younger graduate colleagues ask me to meet them for "thought bouncing" at Starbucks.

So, Betty Jo, I'm still searching for the answer. I've got a feeling though. I think it's going to be found somewhere in the complexity of mixed-blood identity which has resulted in a high dose of agency.